Damaged Goods
by bettertoburnout
Summary: Beca x Chloe - A short fic inspired by the song 'Damaged Goods' by La Dispute. The lyrical extracts are all from the song. "Oh, but you had option. I was your chance to feel complete, But when I leaned in close to you, you Kissed your fear instead of me."


_Oh, but you had option._

_I was your chance to feel complete,_

_But when I leaned in close to you, you_

_Kissed your fear instead of me._

There's a part of me that never knows how to stop running. There's a part of me that's still afraid to feel. And when I saw her eyes gaze back at me, I set off running for the hills. I don't understand why. I don't even know what I'm so scared of - am I afraid to love because I know what it's like to fall out of it? Or am I simply afraid to let someone in for fear of judgement and eventually abandonment? If I don't love myself then why should anyone else? So I continue to build up my walls and close off my heart, and all the while another part of me up a watchtower gazes on at that source of light, that source of hope, and secretly prays that one day she can set me free from my own fortress.

There was a girl before Chloe. I loved her, truly loved her, more than you could imagine to see me now. When I said her name it echoed within me and it rung my heart like a bell to see her smile. She was perfect and we were young and I was hopeful. I had no reason to fear, for I had yet to truly live and experience things that would breed that fear, and so I gave her my soul wholeheartedly and watched her do the same.

_"You tried?" I looked her in the eye and smiled,_

_"My girl, you must understand that fear is not some product that I made. _

_It crept unwelcome in my head the day they had her torn away._

_It changed me." _

She was taken in the night by a whirlwind of regret and weakness, and in the morning when my gaze rested upon her broken body and I wished to join her swinging form, a fear so strong it left me gasping for air clasped at my lungs and my spine and tapped its fingers at the back of my mind every time I tried to remember what it felt like to be alive. I wanted to live but I lusted after death like a mournful lost lover in search of eternal rest. I missed her with my every breath and longed to follow in her footsteps for the chance to be with her once again. But I resisted and I remained, learning that closing myself off from everyone would save me from ever reliving the pain.

I first saw her a few years later. Blue eyes that cherished warmth and molten locks that dripped like a waterfall, she told me her name in a hasty breath and I backed away, already scared. But she was persistent. I found my outer walls crumbling with each eager smile, each earnest laugh, and soon we were close. I told myself no more. I couldn't go any further. I couldn't relive that pain.

_So we escape to our mistakes for they wait patiently for us._

_Oh, how they always wait for me._

But she kept pushing. She kept pushing and although I retreated as best I could there was no escaping her piercing gaze. She was beginning to break into my heart. Upon noticing this I tried in vain to push it out, to numb everything once more, but every time she spoke my name I felt the feelings soar and spread like a disease, through my body, seeping into every bone through every pore. Where she touched me I felt like stone transformed to something living, and hope blossomed within me before I could stamp out the seeds.

_You know that hope you're holding to? It looks an awful lot like fear._

She knew a lot about me without me having to speak a word. She knew that I was afraid to open up, but with time she made it easy. I began to miss her hand in the small of my back, or her head pressed into my shoulder as we sat on the floor and talked about nothing. I began to crave her, but then she kissed me and I kissed her and I felt the last of my walls come tumbling down. Was I free? Was that it?

**_If my fear has kept me here only my fear can set me free._**

If my fear has kept me here, only my fear can set me free. I made the conscious decision to embrace the reason behind my fear - I was able to love. Love brought me pain because I felt it and held it in the first place, and when I remembered further back I remembered that it was worth it. For love, the pain and fear were worth it, and when I spoke these words to her and she smiled, I saw the smile from before echoing in it and felt whole once more.


End file.
